A journey to a new me: Rephethile Thato YaModimo Kgwale

As a child I had everything a child would imagine to have, but my family structure was the opposite, this is what I wanted to perfect, sadly; nothing in this world is perfect. I was the only child and only want a perfect loving family; this was impossible because my elders were at each other throats. My father was an abusive man, how he handled situations left us hurt. I was exposed to abuse from a young age, from a different perspective everything looked perfect. Due to the abusive I started isolating myself; I had difficulties trusting people, I was also terrified to trust the man who was supposed to love me unconditionally and protect me. 

At some point in my life, I tried committing suicide more than once. The abuse was unbearable. All I ever wanted was a healthy home but that was unachievable and that had a direct impact on self-confidence. I started becoming very aggressive, short tempted, quick to fight and always isolated myself, the older I became. 

10 years ago, my life changed for the better. It’s true what they say about change – it is inevitable. I admit, even though change occurred, it came with a huge price to pay. It was early in university when I realized something was wrong with my sleeping patterns, mood swings. It was at this point I decided to seek professional help, I was in the dark, but I knew I needed clarity. The moment I told my GP about my symptoms he immediately referred me to a psychologist. My first thought was mental health-related stigma within the black community. The thought of being judged by society left me terrified. Statements like “black people don’t see a psychologist”, “Black people don’t have any mental health issues’ had me fearing potential judgment and rejection I thought I will receive from my family, friends and classmates. 

Somehow, I knew I was ready for the unknown and unexpected. I was admitted for 21 days at a psychiatric hospital, through self-introspection and finding out the importance of getting help and living a better life, I was no longer ashamed. My journey to a better me meant daily sessions with both my psychologist and psychiatrist, they worked effortlessly to see and find what it was that had to be treated. Day 2 of my 21 days at a psychiatric hospital; I was further diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2 and General Anxiety disorder after receiving the news, I knew I had to educate myself more, I would stay up all night reading about different types of mental health disorders. I become well informed, this gave me the courage to educate and eradicate mental health-related stigma within my family. 

After being diagnosed I start a journey to a better me and new me. I knew I had to take care of myself and stop being so hard on myself. The journey has not been trouble-free, but each day is a better day and an opportunity to educate people about mental health. Five years after being diagnosed I was reluctant to share my story with anyone. I found myself in social spaces or in a working environment where individuals would make insensitive remarks about people with mental health issues. I was ashamed I was scared to be part of those conversations because I would either have emotional comments or aggressive comments towards them. I later realized how stigmatized mental health is especially in South Africa and I used the opportunity to create a platform to communicate about mental health more. 

I started two campaigns called I’m not bipolar and Matters of the brain which safe space for those dealing with mental health, These platforms have become a home for lonely souls, ashamed, misinterpreted and misunderstood individuals. It’s a space to share, support and heal each other. The platforms became bigger and influential than expected. It is my moral obligation to continue being the voice of the voiceless 'til mental health is a normal illness that people can talk about without fear of being stigmatized.